Growing up between two cultures often means having different expectations from your parents about family responsibilities and personal independence. As you get older and begin making your own decisions, those differences can become a source of tension.
A review of research covering 68 groups of Asian and Latino American families found that conflict between parents and their children over cultural values was linked to poorer mental health in the children (Lui, 2015).
For adult children who grew up between two cultures, much of that conflict surfaces around boundaries: how often to call, how much to share, who decides about a career or a partner, and how far a parent's worry should shape a grown child's life. In Japanese, Chinese and other Asian families, setting a limit can feel less like self-care and more like a betrayal.
Why a boundary can feel like betrayal
In many Asian families, love and responsibility grow together. Care is shown through sacrifice and guidance, and children learn early that their choices reflect on the whole family. Many adults also feel responsible for their parents' emotional or financial well-being.
Two values make limits especially hard. One is filial duty, the obligation to respect and care for parents. The other is the strong belief in not being a burden, or not causing inconvenience to others. A child raised with both learns to keep quiet about their own needs and to say yes when they mean no. It can eventually become difficult to tell the difference between care and self-sacrifice.
Two kinds of filial piety
Researchers studying Chinese families have found it useful to separate filial piety into two parts (Yeh & Bedford, 2003). Reciprocal filial piety is the care, gratitude and wish to support parents that grow out of a close relationship. Authoritarian filial piety is obedience: putting your own wishes aside because of your role as the child.
For adult children, setting boundaries often means finding a way to care for their parents without feeling obligated to follow their wishes. They may want to remain close and continue supporting their parents, while having more freedom to make decisions about their own lives. Setting boundaries can help make that possible without damaging the relationship.
What a boundary can look like in an Asian family
Boundaries rarely need to be dramatic. Often they are small, specific and repeated. Deciding that you will call on Sundays rather than every day is a boundary. So is letting a parent know that you are not going to discuss when you will get married, or that comparisons with a cousin hurt and you would like them to stop.
Some boundaries are about decisions rather than conversations: choosing your own field of study, managing your own money, or deciding where you live. Others are about time, such as carving out an evening that belongs to you. Even gentle limits like these can protect your mental health.
Many people find it easier to pair a limit with an expression of care. "I can't take the call every night, but I will come for dinner on Saturday" keeps the relationship at the centre while changing the terms.
Expect the guilt
Guilt is likely, especially at first. It tends to arrive when a choice risks causing a parent worry or disappointment, and it can make wanting something different feel selfish.
That guilt makes sense given how you were raised, and it does not mean the boundary is wrong. Patterns such as difficulty resting without guilt, or constant self-criticism, are often mistaken for personality traits when they are better understood as strategies learned to keep the peace. They can be unlearned slowly.
When parents push back
Parents may respond with hurt, anger or silence, particularly if the boundary is new. It can help to remember that their reaction usually comes from worry, and to name that worry directly: "I know you ask because you care."
A boundary does not have to be defended in a single conversation, and it does not have to be accepted immediately to be worth keeping. Holding it calmly, and repeating it when needed, usually does more than a long argument.
What this looks like in Vancouver
Vancouver's housing costs shape what boundaries look like here. Many adults live in their parents' home well into their twenties or thirties while they save for a down payment, or move back after a breakup or a job change, and in many Asian families three generations under one roof is ordinary. Grandparents often help with childcare, and parents who come from China, Taiwan, Hong Kong or Japan on long visits can stay for months at a time. In these households a boundary is usually about the terms of shared space rather than distance: which room is private, who makes decisions about the children, how money is handled, and which subjects stay away from the dinner table.
How counselling can help
Counselling offers a place to talk about family expectations without fear of disappointing anyone. A culturally sensitive counsellor can help you sort out which goals are yours and which belong to family expectations, work through the guilt that comes with wanting something different, and practice setting boundaries in ways that still honour your cultural values.
The aim is balance. In my work, I respect values such as filial piety and family responsibility while helping clients try new ways of looking after themselves. Some of the most meaningful moments I see are when clients begin to take pride in a boundary they once could not imagine setting.
You can care deeply for your parents and still decide how much of your life they decide.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs) about setting boundaries with parents
Is it disrespectful to set boundaries with Asian parents?
Not necessarily. Many adult children keep a close, respectful relationship with their parents while deciding certain things for themselves.
How do I set boundaries with my parents without feeling guilty?
Guilt is common at first, especially if you were raised to put family needs before your own. Starting with small, specific limits and pairing them with care makes the first steps easier.
What can I do when my parents compare me to others?
You can tell them calmly that the comparisons hurt and ask them to stop, then repeat it when it happens again. It also helps to remember that comparison is often how a parent expresses hope, even when it lands as criticism.
Can I set boundaries if I still live with my parents?
Yes, though they may look different. Agreements about privacy, time to yourself and which topics are off the table are often a realistic start.
Do I have to cut contact to set boundaries?
No. For most people the goal is a relationship with clearer terms, not less of a relationship.
Chiharu Yanagawa, RCC and author’s note
I am Chiharu Yanagawa, a counsellor based in Vancouver, providing therapy to adult clients across all age groups. My work often explores how culture, family expectations, and intergenerational experiences shape anxiety, identity, and life decisions.
As a Vancouver-based therapist, I offer culturally sensitive care to individuals, couples, and families adjusting to life in Canada and intercultural differences. I work with people in-person in Vancouver and online anywhere across BC, Ontario, and many other provinces. If you’re interested in learning more, please feel free to book a free 20 minute introduction call with me.