Choosing a “Respectable” Career vs Personal Meaning
When career choices carry more than practical weight
For many people growing up in Asian families, picking a career rarely feels like a solo decision. It is often tied to family expectations, financial security, and a sense of responsibility to those who sacrificed before them. Careers that are seen as stable, prestigious, or respectable are encouraged because they promise safety and long-term security.
But there is often a quiet, nagging feeling that comes with that safety: the sense that the work doesn’t actually fit who we are. It creates a knot in the chest. This creates an internal conflict that can be difficult to name. Choosing stability feels responsible but hollow; choosing passion feels fulfilling but selfish.
How the idea of a “respectable” career develops
In many East Asian families, career guidance is shaped by historical and cultural realities. Parents may have lived through economic instability, limited opportunity, or migration-related hardship. From this perspective, choosing a secure profession is an act of care and protection.
This is internalized early. We learn which jobs make eyes light up at dinner parties and which ones get awkward silences. Even as adults, that voice lingers, asking: Will this make them proud? Will this justify the struggle? It makes career choices feel heavy, less about exploration and more about not messing up.
When success does not feel fulfilling
Many adults follow the expected path and succeed within it. They may build strong careers, earn good incomes, and meet external markers of success. Yet internally, some feel disconnected, restless, or unmotivated.
You can check every box, the degree, the title, the salary, and still feel numb on Monday morning. That restlessness isn’t ungratefulness. It’s the cost of ignoring your own personality for decades. When you build a life to please others, it’s hard to feel at home in it, no matter how nice the furniture is.
This does not necessarily mean the career is wrong. When work is chosen primarily to meet expectations, it can be difficult to feel a sense of ownership or meaning, even when things are going well. These feelings are often accompanied by guilt, especially when the career has provided stability or pride to family members.
The fear behind choosing personal meaning
Choosing a path based on personal meaning can bring up significant anxiety. Many people fear disappointing their parents, appearing ungrateful, or risking financial security. There may be worries about being judged as irresponsible or unrealistic.
How dare I be unhappy when my grandfather worked two jobs just so I could sit in this air-conditioned office? This guilt keeps us stuck in familiar places, even when they drain us.
For some, the fear is not just external. It becomes an internal sense that wanting more is selfish. Even imagining a different path can trigger guilt or shame, making it easier to stay where things are familiar, even if they feel unsatisfying.
Why this conflict leads to burnout and self-doubt
Living with unresolved career conflict often leads to chronic stress. People may push themselves to feel grateful, dismiss their dissatisfaction, or work harder to justify their choices.
Over time, this can contribute to burnout, emotional numbness, or persistent self-doubt. Motivation may fade, not because someone lacks discipline, but because their work no longer feels connected to their values or sense of self.
This can be especially confusing for high achievers who were taught that success should feel rewarding.
The role of identity and self-worth
Career choices are often tied to identity. When respect and approval have been linked to achievement, it can feel risky to question the path that brought success.
Many people struggle with the idea that changing direction means admitting a mistake or wasting past effort. In reality, identity is not fixed. Interests, values, and priorities evolve over time, especially as people gain independence and perspective.
Recognising this does not mean rejecting family values. It means allowing space for personal growth.
How therapy can help clarify this conflict
Therapy offers a space to explore career conflict without pressure to make immediate decisions. A culturally sensitive therapist understands that this struggle is not simply about job satisfaction, but about loyalty, fear, and belonging.
In therapy, individuals can explore what personal meaning looks like for them, separate internalised expectations from genuine desire, and work through guilt associated with wanting something different. This process often brings greater clarity and self-trust, even if external circumstances remain unchanged for a time.
Therapy does not push people toward dramatic career changes. It supports thoughtful, informed choices that respect both practical realities and emotional well-being.
Finding balance rather than choosing extremes
For many people, the solution is not choosing one side entirely. It requires clarity. Some find ways to bring more meaning into their existing careers. Others make gradual transitions rather than abrupt changes. Some redefine success internally, even if their external path stays the same. Therapy offers a neutral space to separate the "shoulds" from the "wants." It allows you to explore what a meaningful life looks like for you, distinct from family pressure.
The goal isn't necessarily to choose one side over the other, but to find a balance where you can honor your family's sacrifices without sacrificing your own well-being.
About Chiharu Yanagawa
I am Chiharu Yanagawa, a counsellor based in Vancouver, providing therapy to clients across all age groups. I also work with individuals in Ontario. My work often explores how culture, family expectations, and intergenerational experiences shape anxiety, identity, and life decisions.
This piece was written to name a common but often unspoken conflict: choosing a “respectable” career for stability and family approval while feeling disconnected from personal meaning. For many raised in Asian families, career decisions carry the weight of sacrifice, loyalty, and survival, making dissatisfaction feel shameful rather than understandable.
This article is not a rejection of stability or family values. It is an invitation to acknowledge the emotional cost of carrying expectations alone and to open space for more compassionate, balanced choices around work, identity, and well-being.
As a Vancouver-based therapist, I offer culturally sensitive care to individuals, couples, and families adjusting to life in Canada and intercultural differences. I work with people in-person in Vancouver and online anywhere across BC. If you’re interested in learning more, please feel free to book a free 20 minute introduction call with me.