When Words Get in the Way: Language Barriers and Emotional Expression in Relationships
She tells him she is tired and needs a break. He hears it as rejection. Later, he cooks dinner as a way to show he cares, but she still feels unseen because he never said the words, “I love you.” Both walk away feeling misunderstood, even though both meant to connect.
This is what happens when language and culture collide in relationships. And although the love is real, what gets lost is the way it is communicated to each other.
Why words alone can be tricky (especially across languages)
Language carries more than meaning. It carries tone, nuance, and cultural habits. When couples communicate across languages, small missteps can easily turn into hurt feelings. A sentence spoken in one’s second language may sound blunt when it was meant to be gentle. A joke may feel confusing or even offensive. Silence might be an act of thoughtfulness for one partner, but feel like distance for the other.
These moments may seem small, but over time they can add up, leaving both partners feeling disconnected even though they are trying to show love and care.
What gets lost in translation in intercultural relationships
Language is more than vocabulary. It carries culture, tone, and subtle layers of meaning. When partners come from different backgrounds, especially in intercultural couples, small missteps can lead to big misunderstandings:
A partner trying to share their feelings in a second language may come across as distant or blunt
Sarcasm or humour may not land the same way or may be interpreted negatively
Silence may be intended as thoughtful in one culture but read as avoidance or indifference in another
Saying “I love you” often may feel normal for one partner, while the other may show care more through actions than words.
None of this means the relationship is broken. It simply means the couple is navigating two different communication systems at once.
Emotional expression across cultures
Culture itself can play as much of a role as language. In Canada, emotional openness is often valued, and directly sharing feelings is considered healthy. In many East Asian cultures, including Japanese and Chinese, emotions may be expressed less openly. Care is often shown through responsibility, acts of service, or patience rather than frequent verbal affirmations.
When these styles meet, one partner may feel starved of words, while the other may feel pressured to speak in ways that do not feel natural. Without awareness, both can end up feeling misunderstood.
What helps couples bridge the gap
Miscommunication is not a sign of failure. It is a signal that two people are still learning each other’s communication styles. Some strategies that help include:
Slow conversations down: Give space for meaning to come through without rushing it
Ask for clarity: Try asking, “How did you take what I said?” or “Is this what you meant?”
Notice actions as well as words: Acts of service, tone, or body language can be important signs of care
Learn small pieces of each other’s language and culture: Even a few words in your partner’s first language can add warmth and connection
Practice patience: Remember that cultural and language differences take time to navigate
How therapy can help people in intercultural relationships.
When couples feel stuck, therapy can provide a supportive space to work through communication challenges. Counselling can help, regardless of whether it is couples therapy or individual therapy supporting one of the partners to navigate their feelings. A therapist who understands intercultural relationships can help partners:
Spot patterns where misunderstandings repeat
Find ways of expressing emotions that work across languages
Explore how cultural values shape expectations of love
Build communication habits that reduce tension and increase trust
Learn to build patience with each other and one’s self
Wrapping it all up
Language barriers can make emotional expression harder, but they do not have to weaken a relationship. When partners learn to listen beyond words and recognise care in both actions and expressions, their connection often grows stronger. Words matter, but they are only one part of how love is communicated.
About Chiharu Yanagawa
In my work as a culturally sensitive therapist in Vancouver, I often meet intercultural couples who care deeply for one another but feel a disconnect in how love is expressed. What one partner sees as loyalty and sacrifice, the other may long to hear in words or feel through touch. These differences are not signs of incompatibility; they are reflections of cultural values that shape how love is shown.
Counselling offers a space to bridge these gaps, honouring both partners’ backgrounds while building a shared way of expressing affection that feels supportive and genuine. If you and your partner are struggling with mismatched love languages, know that understanding and balance are possible with the right tools and support.